This week I am going to share with you a few of my favorite quotes. Enjoy :)
You can be right or you can be relational. -Author Unknown We pay for healthcare either way. Either we pay for healthy food or we pay for doctor’s visits/healthcare because we are sick. -Jaime McLaughlin What you do everyday matters more than what you do once in a while. -Gretchen Rubin I can do anything I want, but I can’t do everything I want. -Gretchen Rubin If you are not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I am not interested in your feedback. -Brene Brown More is caught than taught -Rachel Cruze If you’re not changing it, you’re choosing it. -Kendra Henderson Be strong. Take Courage, Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you. -Deuteronomy 31:6 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt Don’t prove it to them. Prove it to you. -Natalie Hodson Hope you enjoyed and are inspired. Have a great week!
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I don’t know about you but in the last few years I have seen a trend of people being more vulnerable with others, or at least they seem to be. People share the raw, unfiltered selfies, messes in their homes and struggles. It helps others connect with them and makes them seem more real. There are so many gifts of true vulnerability but before we can talk about that, we need to discuss fake vulnerability.
While there are definitely people that are generally more vulnerable as a way to be real, authentic and genuine for their own wellbeing, there are also people that use “vulnerability” as a way to fake connection. Why fake connection? Most often, it is to manipulate others or it is about their shame due to trauma around being seen. Let’s unpack both of those. First, there are people who fake vulnerability so that others are vulnerable and then that vulnerability can be used against them. With influencers, they sometimes fake that connection as a way to relate so you buy their products. For friends or peers, they make fake authenticity in order to get you to be vulnerable, only to use that against you or make themselves feel better about their lives. While I started with that, it is important to note that not everyone is malicious in their vulnerability. Some people desperately want to connect but don’t know how so they mimic the vulnerability they see in others in an attempt to connect. Others were taught it is not okay to be vulnerable so they censor the vulnerability and only share in ways that appear vulnerable but aren’t really emotionally connected for them. Yet others try to be vulnerable but are so disconnected from themselves they don’t even know what their true, raw self is. So, how can we distinguish true vulnerability in ourselves and others versus fake vulnerability? First, trust your gut. If something seems off, note that. That doesn’t mean blindly trust your gut but it does mean notice that feeling of something being off and look for clues that support or contradict that feeling. If we are sharing our vulnerability in order to connect and honor ourselves, that is one thing. However, if we are sharing our vulnerability to gain a certain response from others, that is manipulation. Now, let’s shift gears a little bit. What are the gifts of true vulnerability? Brene Brown once said “There is no intimacy without vulnerability”. When we are able to be vulnerable with people, we are able to be seen for who we really are which is a way to honor our true self. We are able to connect with others in deep ways that cannot be fabricated. While there are many misconceptions about vulnerability being weakness, vulnerability is actually one of the most courageous and brave things someone can do. To expose your true self and not know how it will be perceived or if it will be accepted takes courage. But, it also opens doors for true connection. Yes, I realize that I said the same thing two different ways just now but I wanted to make sure that you got the point, that vulnerability breeds authentic connection. Now, in this post I don’t have the space to go over when to be vulnerable, who to be vulnerable with and how much is too vulnerable so be mindful of those things (or talk to your therapist about it if you have one) because some vulnerability can be more harmful than helpful but the helpful vulnerability is something worth working on. Now, go out and seek safe opportunities to be vulnerable while also being mindful of what true vulnerability looks like. What Is Your Stress Score?
Let’s start with a quiz (or maybe two). If you have not already, click here to take the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory and here to take the Percieved Stress Questionnaire. Now that you have possibly stressed yourself by taking the assessments, let’s talk about what the results mean. Let’s start with the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory. Once you add up the total of all of the life events that have happened to you in the last year, if you score was less than 150, great job because you are not likely to have a stress-induced health breakdown in the near future. If you scored 150-300 points, watch out because you have a 50% chance of having a stress-induced health breakdown in the next two years. I don’t know about you but that percentage is a little two high for my comfort. Now, let’s say you score above a 300. Watch out! You better start making some serious changes because your odds of having a stress-induced health problem is now at 80%! Regardless of your score, take a deep breath. Knowing what the problem is, is the first step to change. Now, let’s look at the Perceived Stress Questionnaire. It can be a little tricky to get your score so be sure to read the directions. Once you have your number, it is pretty easy to understand. The higher your scores, the higher your likelihood to have difficulty quitting smoking, the higher likelihood of getting sick and the greater chances of developing depressive symptoms. How many of you are surprised by your results? For me, I was surprised that my Holmes-Rahe scores were fairly low but my Perceived Stress Questionnaire was much higher. And honestly, it does make sense because while my external stressors may be low, my perception of the stressors has a big impact (which is why reframing thoughts is so important!). If all of your scores are fairly low, great job, keep it up! If your scores are moderate, this is a red flag that if you don’t do something, you will likely score higher in the future. If your scores are high, take a deep breath and give yourself a reality check that you cannot sustain this any longer. So, what can you do to minimize stress? Let’s talk about a few things. First, you need to identify your stressors and set boundaries around what you need in those areas. If you need help with that, I have a ton of blog posts about that so be sure to look at the archived posts. Next, practice self-care. This doesn’t have to be spa days or vacations (though it can). Self-care looks like things that recharge you but also things that support a healthy life like going to the doctor or seeing a therapist. If you struggle with self-care, read this post. Fuel your body well! There are so many studies that link mental health and physical health with nutrition. When you fuel your body well, you feel well. You have more energy for tackling the stressors in your life and you are more confident because your brain is getting all of the nutrients you need to thrive. Another way to minimize stress is to move your body daily. Whether that is going for a walk or taking a fitness class, the chemicals that are released in your body when you exercise have been proven to lower blood pressure, stress levels and provide more energy. Now, with this, know that every body is different and what works for one person may not work for another. For instance, I know a lot of people who love high intensity workouts. Because I have adrenal fatigue that I am working through, high intensity workouts actually cost me more than it helps me. However, yoga or a walk do my body so well where for others it may not have as big of an impact. Find what works for you and don’t assume just because something works for someone else that it will for you. The last stress management technique that I am going to share is organization. I know, for some of you the thought of organization stresses you out but hear me out. When you are organized with your schedule, you know what to expect with your days, you make time for what is important, you don’t forget things and you generally have a better handle on life. For me, I have a planner that is in my office that I write all appointments on so I know the main things in the week and am able to plan errands and meals around those events. This also looks like an organized environment, organized meals, etc. There is so much research that shows that the more chaotic your external environment, the more stressed you are. So, I realize none of these stress management techniques are new, earth shattering information. But, there is a reason you see me posting about these things in blogs and social media posts. BECAUSE THEY WORK! Am I perfect at them? No, but I am actively working on them because I know they will serve me well. You know what you need to do to manage your stress so go do it and remember, you are worth it! So, I know the title sounds a bit stuffy. Perhaps I am not the most creative with my titles but at least it gives you an idea of what the post is about. I see so many people struggle with their home life when they don’t have to. Maybe they feel resentful because they carry the main burden of household chores or the parenting. Some are overwhelmed with the laundry or meal prep. Still others are drowning in the chaos and clutter of their everyday life.
What if I told you it doesn’t have to be that way? What if you can enjoy your home, your kids and your life? Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic pill to give you but with some (or maybe a lot) of hard work, you can have the home life you desire and the work will pay off. For those of you that follow me on social media, you saw that a few weeks ago we did a 14 day challenge for decreasing stress and increasing peace. If you did not see that, I encourage you to go back and look at that because there are some great tips on decluttering and identifying external triggers. Gretchen Rubin actually wrote a whole book on the topic called “Outer Order, Inner Calm” that has some great bite size tips on decluttering. But alas, that is just one step. The more order and the less clutter, the less to clean. That may look like setting boundaries with yourself around decluttering regularly, if you buy something for the home then you get rid of one thing for the home or something along those lines. It may be that you set boundaries with yourself that when you do laundry, you complete it from start to finish instead of having a pile of clean laundry on the couch. Or, when the dishwasher is clean you unload it right away instead of waiting a few days and allowing more dishes to pile up. Best of all, that could look like distributing household responsibilities so it isn’t all on you. Because a lot of my followers are stay at home or work from home moms, I want to pause and address something. Just because you are not working outside of the home does not mean you are a slave to everyone in your house. Sure, you may have more responsibilities in the home but it doesn’t mean that you do everything. Your kids still need to learn how to do laundry and run the dishwasher or else when they move out, they will be ill-equipped to handle life. They need to know how to cook meals, clean bathrooms and operate a vacuum. Handling all of that for them regularly is actually doing them a disservice. Now, that doesn’t mean if they are in finals week that you don’t help them with their responsibilities or if they are sick or sometimes just to be nice but, it isn’t the expectation. If you are not ready to start with big changes, maybe you let your kids know that you are no longer going to clean up their plates after dinner and now it is time for them to rinse their dishes and load them in the dishwasher. Maybe you set boundaries in your house that when someone cooks, the other person cleans up. You can start small and still get some results that you desperately need. Maybe for you it isn’t the chores, the responsibilities or the to-list. Perhaps it is the atmosphere of your home that you want to change. Maybe you are used to lots of yelling, name calling, disrespect and general upheaval. Then set some boundaries around that. That may look like “I will not engage in yelling, if it continues I will go into another room” or “In this house, eye rolling will not be tolerated. If it continues, ______ will happen”. But again, only set the action step if you are willing to back it up with completing the action. Remember, we show other people how to treat us by the boundaries we set and the behaviors we allow. What are some areas in your home where you are struggling? Set some boundaries today! I don’t know about you but every fall I get excited for the new season. When I was in school, I would get excited about the new school supplies, new teachers and new routines. Even as an adult, I view this time of year similar to New Years. A fresh start where I can create new routines, rituals and habits (along with kicking a few bad habits). I love getting organized for the new season and being re-energized to tackle areas where I have been slacking or not prioritizing in ways I would like to.
Gretchen Rubin talks a lot in her books about the power and value of times like this to help us gain the motivation to change. What are some areas where you want a reset or some habits you want to change? For me, I have allowed a bit too much technology for my kids this summer. It kind of became the default in between activities and I really want to change that so instead the default is playing with their toys, each other, using their brain to create Lego masterpieces or Magna-Tile towers. For myself, I want to get back into meal planning and snack planning. I have gotten into the habit of picking something up for the kids and I while we are out and about. And while that has been convenient, it has also been a hit on our budget and our health. So, I need to change that. Personally, I am ecstatic about this new change. For the first time since having kids, I will have designated weekly time that is for me without the need for babysitters or family watching them. While my oldest is in kindergarten, my two younger ones will be in preschool 3 days a week for 3 hours a day. In all honesty, if you include the commute and pick up/drop off time, I really only have about 2 hours each of those days but let me tell you, I am so excited about that. I have it scheduled where Tuesdays I work on business stuff and seeing an occasional client, Thursdays I grade papers and assignments (I am a graduate school professor for those who didn’t know) and Wednesdays I am dedicating all to me and self-care. Two uninterrupted, dedicated hours for me each week. I am elated right now just thinking about it. Not having to find someone to watch the kids while I get my nails done or have a doctor’s appointment. Being able to watch a TV show without interruptions or eat a meal without sharing. There are also a lot of routines I want to continue and reinforce such as my quiet time, reading to my kids daily and finding ways to connect with them throughout the day. I want to be more intentional about pouring into my marriage and this is the perfect time to set new goals and routines to foster that relationship such as sending an encouraging text each day or planning a monthly date night. Just writing this is making me want to stop what I am doing and create Pinterest boards, checklists and goals. So….off I go but before I do, I want to know, what are some changes you want to make with the new season upon us? I have been seeing so many posts lately about anxiety and since we have been in this 14 day challenge about stress and peace, I thought now would be the perfect time to write about the differences between stress and anxiety, the overlap and also how boundaries play a role.
Let’s start with what is the difference between stress and anxiety. According to the APA, stress and anxiety can manifest in similar ways so from the outside, it may be hard to distinguish. However, the root cause is different. Stress is caused by external factors such as work deadlines, sick kids, an upcoming trip, financial struggles etc. However, anxiety does not have to be triggered by anything external. It is a persistent worry that is not contingent upon outside factors. It can be related to specific areas such as medical anxiety due to a medical show that traumatized you as a kid or social anxiety due to being bullied. For some, it is generalized anxiety where the persistent worry is about anything and everything. For most cases, what helps anxiety also helps stress and visa versa. Some of those things are deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, exercise, healthy eating, identifying and learning ways to manage triggers, eliminating or minimizing caffeine, meditation, routine and self-care, to name a few. Of course, there are instances where that is not true. For some people, even if you change all out the outside stressors, the anxiety may be present. Similarly, some medications may help anxiety but not be helpful for stress. In both cases, setting boundaries can help the symptoms so let’s talk about that. As we have talked about in other posts, in order to identify where we need boundaries, we need to identify our pain points. So, if we look at common pain points with stress and anxiety, a lot of it stems from lack of perceived control, taking on too much, not practicing self-care and distorted thinking. Knowing that, what are some boundaries we may need to set? Maybe we need to set boundaries around how much we commit to and say no to some things we may want to say yes to but we cannot in this season. Or perhaps we need to set boundaries around making our mental health a priority and budgeting in therapy and medication. Maybe we need to set internal boundaries with ourselves that we do not let our anxiety dictate our choices but when we are struggling, we seek support and those to keep us accountable. Let’s face it, there are a lot of boundaries we can set to help mitigate stress and anxiety through both internal and external boundaries. But it isn’t going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of work and consistency and if you do it, it will help so much in the long run. You will lessen your stress and anxiety and increase your peace. You will be able to be more present for those around you and have more energy for the things that fuel you. Do you struggle with anxiety or stress? If so, what are some boundaries you need to set today? I am soooooo excited to share with you some of my top favorite books. As I was planning this post out, there were so many that popped into my head, all of which made a difference in my life in different ways but impactful ways none the less. So, keep in mind this is not an exhaustive list but does highlight a few of my favorites. First, let’s start with The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. This book was gifted to me by a colleague, now friend. Honestly, I was a little skeptical but soon after starting the book, I was hooked. I loved how she broke out each month thematically and had a focus instead of trying to implement everything at the same time. If you are looking for a change in your life but don’t know where to start, I highly recommend this lighthearted book to inspire you to find growth in various areas of your life. The second one is Growing Yourself Back Up by John Lee. I recommend this book to almost all of my clients. It is such a great read! It helps you identify areas of your life that may be triggering unresolved trauma which reverts you back into a childlike state. Now, before you say you don’t relate to that, we all have areas where we respond in less than ideal ways and this book helps us not only identify those areas but also teaches practical steps to cope and heal with those triggers. Next would be The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen. I have seen so many people in my life, both personally and professionally, that were turned off by Christianity because of what they experienced by “the church”. While not all churches are like this, there are some churches and Christians who have distorted or manipulated the Bible to suit their needs instead of how God intended and as a result, people have been hurt. This book does such a great job of identifying those wounds, what the Bible really says and how to heal from that hurt so you can distinguish the difference between man and God. Fourth would have to be The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. I was introduced to this book by my boss when I was 19 years old and was going to buy a new car with payments. She was insistent that I read this book and even let me borrow her audiobook so that I could listen to it in the car and while I was working. This book was a total game changer for me. I have followed the Dave Ramsey principles fairly closely my entire adult life and I have reaped the benefits in so many ways. I remain debt free (except for my house) and am able to live on less than I make so I can give, save and spend in healthy ways. If you are not already on the Dave train, I highly recommend hopping on. Last, I would choose Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I am a huge fan of her early work (The Gifts of Imperfection, I Thought It Was Just Me But It Isn’t, Daring Greatly). This book motivated me to visit the gravesite of my childhood best friend, which I had never done. I also went sky diving and a few other things I had been avoiding or scared to do. But, the biggest thing I did as a result of the book was start online dating, which led me to meeting my now Husband, who I have been married to for almost 8 years. The book does such a great job of addressing shame, fear and all of the other things that stop people from trying something new or doing something scary. Those were just a few of my favorite books personally and professionally. What are some of your favorite books? I would love to hear! I was recently on a podcast talking about marriage and trauma, which you can find HERE. As I was preparing for the podcast, I was thinking about how there are so many manifestations of trauma that can show up in relationships that we may not even realize. First, we need to understand what trauma is. Pia Mellody defines trauma as “anything less than nurturing”. That is also the definition I use in my practice so let’s go with that today. With that in mind, think of all of the less than nurturing experiences you had in your childhood. Now, think of all the less than nurturing things that have happened to you as an adult. Overwhelmed yet? Those are all the little t and big T traumas that manifest in various ways in our day to day lives. Let’s go over a few.
*Reactivity- When thinking about our reactions and responses to what someone says or does, anything above a 3-4 on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no impact and 10 being explosive is triggering past trauma. Now if we think of it in those terms, what are some ways we are triggered in our relationships. When our partner gives us a slight critique do we find ourselves explosive or with overwhelming emotions? When someone raises their voice do we notice that we shrink in our demeanor? When we are told to calm down do we have to find down rage inside? Those are all signs of a trauma response and more often than not, it is triggering unresolved childhood trauma. *Love Addiction/Love Avoidance-While we don’t have enough time to go into all aspects of this in this blog post, the most simplified version is that if we were enmeshed my mom, we tend to see women as overwhelming, needy or suffocating and hold women at an arm’s length away (love avoidance). If mom abandoned us, we tend to me more clingy or close with women (love addiction). The same pattern is true with dad and men (ie. If dad was distance we are more love addicted with men and if dad was enmeshing we are more love avoidant). Now, keep in mind even though the term uses the word “love” this is not actually about love at all, it is about our interactions in relationships. If our parents were enmeshing and abandoning simultaneously, we tend to have highly conflictual relationships with a push/pull dynamic. *Inability to communicate wants/needs-If we struggle identifying our wants and needs or sharing them with others, those are red flags we have unresolved trauma. Either our wants and needs were not met and so we learned to disconnect from them or were taught we were too needy or dependent and were taught to do everything ourselves and be anti-dependent. I could go on and on about how trauma manifests in relationships but I think this gives you a good glimpse. So, what if you see these in you or your partner within the relationship? First, acknowledge that there is trauma and then seek help. That may be reaching out to a pastor, mentor, coach or counselor. Get some healing or support your partner in their healing so that your relationship is no longer dictated by trauma. It is not a quick or easy process but let me guarantee you, it is worth it. Live in Arizona and want to work on trauma? Reach out to me! Even if we are not a good fit I can refer you to many other providers in the valley. Remember, you are worth healing! Today let’s talk about self-care. What is self-care? If I polled 100 people, I am sure many would say chocolate, bubble baths, working out or sleeping. Self-care has all kinds of stigma and beliefs around it. Some people see it as selfish and something to be denied. Others see it as an excuse to over indulge. The reality is self-care is not selfish but is also not an excuse to over indulge.
Instead, self-care is a time to take for yourself to recharge and reset so that you can show up well for yourself and those around you. Now, let’s be real. Self-care is not always fun or enjoyable but the end result is beneficial. Take therapy for example. Therapy is hard work and requires a lot of discomfort; however, the end result is healing that allows up to be better. The process is difficult when engaging in self-reflection and growth but the outcome is more regulated emotions, better ability to deal with conflict and resilience. Or going to the dermatologist. It is not the highlight of my week but it is a necessity. As someone who has had multiple areas of skin cancer removed, this is an act of self-love to take the time to get checked out and get those areas removed. Now, not all self-care is hard. There should be things built in our day that are easy and help us recharge. For instance, burning a candle in my kitchen is an act of self-care because seeing the flickering of the flame and smelling the scent of the candle is a reminder to take a deep breath. Using my favorite coffee mug while taking a drink makes me happy. These are small bursts of self-care built into my day. Self-care is also getting a pedicure, taking a shower without interruption and spending 10 minutes every morning in my daily quiet time. What are some ways that you practice self-care each day? Remember, it doesn’t have to be big and it isn’t always fun but the end result is recharging and being reset so you can show up in your life the way you want to be. Okay, so if you have been reading this blog you know we talk a LOT about boundaries. Let’s take a different angle to today and talk about what boundaries are NOT.
Let’s start with the basics. Boundaries are a set of expectations around our interactions with ourselves and others. So what are boundaries not? Boundaries are not manipulation, control or preferences. Let’s jump into each one. #1: Boundaries are not manipulation. Boundaries are not about trying to change the other person, their actions or beliefs. Boundaries are not about cleaning up the other person’s side of the street but they are about keeping our side of the street clean. For instance, if someone sets a “boundary” that is intended to alter the other’s person’s behavior, that is not actually a boundary. So, if I set a “boundary” with my husband that he cannot go out to dinner because he needs to help with the kids, my motive is changing him. However, if I set a “boundary” that I need equal co-parenting to function well and set examples around that, that is me advocating for my needs and communicating them. If my spouse can’t meet them or chooses not to, then I take action to get my needs met. See the difference between putting the responsibility on him in the first example versus taking responsibility for myself and life in the second example? #2: Boundaries are not control. When we set boundaries to try to control the situation or the relationship, they are not actually boundaries. While we may have good motives by trying to control, control is actually an illusion and it negatively impacts relationships. Let’s look at the difference between healthy boundaries and control. If I set a “boundary” with my friend that she cannot drink around me because she is obnoxious, that is trying to control her. However, if I set a “boundary” that I will leave the area if my friend drinks, that is about me and my role in the dysfunction. See the difference? #3: Boundaries are not preferences. Let’s talk about the differences between boundaries and preferences. Boundaries are about NEEDS and preferences are about WANTS. Why do we need the distinction? Because boundaries are concrete areas with little wiggle room and are something worth fighting for to ensure. However, preferences are about desires but not something worth losing relationships or fighting for until you get it (though some may require a bit of a fight). So, now you should have a good idea about what boundaries are not. Want to explore more about what boundaries are? Check out the below blog posts or better yet, sign up for the boundaries course here. 4 Common Fears When Setting Boundaries 5 Signs You May Have Boundary Issues How To Identify Boundaries |
AboutJocelyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor and course creator who desires to help clients heal and grow into who God created them to be. Archives
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