4 Strategies to Modeling Emotional Regulation and Vulnerability

​Do you struggle with controlling your irritation when the checkout line is moving slowly? Do you find that you are easily overwhelmed when in a crowd? Do you find that you are cranky when you get hungry and struggle with managing it?
 
Here’s the thing, kids struggle with their emotions too. Yet somehow, we have this expectation that they will be able to manage their emotions and maintain control at all times and then we lose control of ours when they don’t. I don’t know about you but I think that is a pretty messed up system. 
 
So, how do we teach kids to regulate their emotions while also not condoning inappropriate behavior? By doing our own work so that we can regulate ourselves. Remember, more is caught than taught so if we are screaming at our kid to calm down, they are not going to learn how to calm down but instead be reactive. However, if we are able to take a deep breath and be a calm in their storm, they are able to reenact what was modeled and also calm down.
 
What are some steps to achieve that ideal? First (like mentioned above), do your own work to find out the root causes of your reactivity and triggers to your emotions. When we think of our emotions on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being minimal to no reaction and 10 being overwhelmed or explosive, anything above a 3-4 is triggering past trauma. For me, when my kids talk back, I get highly triggered because my brain goes from my kid is talking back to I am not a good mom to I am not good enough in general and so my fight response is triggered. However, the more work I do on that and notice my own shame triggers around not being good enough, the better I am able to regulate when those instances happen and know that my kid talking back does not equal, I am not good enough. 
 
Instead, I can take a step back and realize that their behavior is telling me something. Maybe it is telling me they are attention seeking because their love tank is on empty or that I need to set clear expectations on communication and mutual respect (or all of the above). When I take my emotions and “stuff” out of it, I am better able to see what the need the child is trying to meet by their behavior. Then, I can teach them how to get that need met in a healthier way or help them get that need met if I can. 
 
Second, we need to practice what we preach. If we tell our child that when they have big emotions come up to take a breath or count to ten, they need to see us use those tools. If the only time we practice that skill is when we are trying to calm the child, it will not integrate with them the same as if we did it when we are struggling. Let’s say I am driving and in traffic, struggling to get where I am trying to go. If I am yelling at the other drivers and saying to myself “I am so stupid for thinking I could do this right now, this is impossible to get through”, my kiddo is going to take more from that then when I tell them to use their skills when stressed or overwhelmed. However, if when I am stuck in traffic and get upset, I instead take a deep breath, count to 10 and say to myself “This is busy right now AND I am okay and I will eventually get where I need to be. I can handle this,” the child will learn that this is how we handle big emotions. From there, the next time the child has big emotions you can say “remember when mommy was really overwhelmed when we were driving to grandma’s house because of the traffic? What did mommy do? Yea, mommy took a deep breath and counted to 10, want to try that?” Your child may say yes or they may spin more. If they say yes, woohoo! If they don’t, practice the skill yourself anyway. Take a deep breath and count to 10, use whatever skills you have to stay calm and eventually the child will calm down. If you have a highly reactive child, this will take some practice and it won’t be perfect. 
 
Third, know your child’s triggers and call them out when you see them. “Hudson, I see that you are tired and it is hard for you to run errands with mommy when your energy tank is empty. Once we get out of this store, mommy will give you time to recharge. If you want, I can put you in the cart so you can rest while we finish up in here”. In the perfect world, our child would not have to function when tired or hungry or overwhelmed. Which is why we bring snacks, water bottles etc. everywhere we go. And while we don’t want to intentionally subject our kids to their triggers, there are times when they will naturally occur and that is when we get to teach our children how to handle the situation because that is part of life as an adult and strengthening that muscle now will help them in the future.  When those triggers occur, normalize them. “Mommy gets overwhelmed when there are a lot of people around too. When I am overwhelmed, I stay close to whoever I am with and focus on why I am here instead of focusing on the chaos. Would you like to hold my hand while we walk through this crowd?” For older kids, you can help them learn how to use their skills by asking questions like “I see you are overwhelmed. What do you need right now to help you navigate this?” If they don’t know, offer a few suggestions or remind them of a time when they were overwhelmed and what skills they used to navigate the situation.
 
Fourth, own your mistakes and when you struggle with your emotional regulation. This is where modeling vulnerability comes in. “Hunter, mommy is sorry for yelling at you when you did not listen. Even though mommy was frustrated, it does not mean it is okay for me to yell. Next time I will try to use my skills of taking a mommy time out or counting to 10 when I am frustrated with you.” Or “Mommy was really struggling when we were trying to find the soccer field. However, next time mommy is overwhelmed mommy is going to speak kinder in the words she says to herself and you”. Our kids need to see that we are human and that we struggle too. 
 
Now remember, this is not going to be a perfect process for you or them and that is okay. As long as we stay consistent and work on it, positive change will occur. Now have fun riding the wave of emotions (studies say that the average length of an emotion not tied to trauma or an unmet need only lasts 90 seconds) and teaching your kiddos to do the same.